In this blog, a Comfortable In My Skin sister shares her experiences with vaginismus and consent.

My boyfriend and I left the party, this was it… we were going to have sex! We were both fifteen, virgins and totally excited. Between the kissing, excitement, and foreplay, we were having so much fun. And then pain, excruciating pain, his penis wouldn’t go in? Stop stop! I cried. My girlfriends said the first time always hurts, so we kept trying. After no progression, pain and a small amount of blood, we stopped, both completely confused as to what had happened. I was petrified, utterly petrified.

I was raised in a loving Roman Catholic home where the rules were, no sex before marriage. Sex was only to be with your husband and that every person you sleep with, leaves a piece of you with them. I had to keep my first time a secret. I was so scared. Night after night, for months, I cried myself to sleep, so afraid that I might have damaged my body; trying to comprehend if what happened was okay; I couldn’t talk to anyone.  I didn’t reattempt sex for another 12 months.

Then came the time to start having pap smears, which I was told might be “uncomfortable”. If “uncomfortable” could be described as a cheese grater prying open your vagina, well, yeah, it was uncomfortable. Years passed with pain, fear and complete shame. My friends couldn’t understand that when I had my period I couldn’t just use a tampon and jump in to go swimming.

Now that I’m 29 years old, I consider Netflix to be one of my closest friends. I began watching a series called “Sex Education”, everyone said it was great. As one of the episodes featured a teenage girl who had the same experience as my first time, it’s like I was reliving it! Later, she consults a doctor who diagnoses her with Vaginismus and begins treatment. Wait, what? This is actually a thing? I don’t have to live like this?! The tears flowed and just kept coming; after all of this time, I wasn’t “built abnormally” or “underdeveloped” or “too small”; I had a condition, a real condition that I could seek treatment for, and for the first time, I wasn’t alone.

Learning of my diagnosis led me to a support group of beautiful women, all at different stages of our journey with Vaginismus, who have inspired me to enquire about treatment. My gynaecologist and I are discussing what that looks like and I am so excited. Pain-free penetration, I’m ready for you!

I have been blessed to marry a man so patient and gentle, who has never once questioned my needs around sex. Women, you can say NO. NO if you don’t want penetration, NO if it hurts, NO if you’re afraid, NO if you don’t enjoy it. Never feel that enduring pain during sex to appease your sexual partner is okay. Sex is about two equals enjoying each other, giving and receiving pleasure but this does not come with the sacrifice of your comfort. Explore your own body, learn what feels okay for you and always know your right to set boundaries for that beautiful, exquisite body that is YOURS.