Emily's Story
All names have been changed, to respect their privacy.
Tessa's Herpes Story
All names have been changed, to respect their privacy.
Hey Ellie, Thought I’d contribute to the gallery you’re putting together of herpes stories. Mine was a horrific one to say the least, as the pictures show. I was in a toxic abusive relationship at the time. I’m out now thank god and with the kindest man ever. Anyway, my ex used to always get these things on his lips, I was uneducated and believed him when he said he’s had it checked by a doctor and was told it’s not contagious it’s just a reaction to stress.
Fast forward a few months being with him and many times him going down on me with his ‘non contagious’ outbreaks, when bam. Suddenly I started to get these bumps all over my vulva. I thought they were ingrown hairs from shaving weirdly and so squeezed some of them (everyone that knows about herpes knows this is the worst thing to do). After days of it getting worse and worse I finally saw a doctor.
My doctor took one look at me and immediately told me it was herpes before she even took the swab. I was bereft, I had no idea where it could have come from or what it even meant. Herpes back then to me was just a word for a disease or infection I’d only ever heard of in stereotypical jokes. Not something someone like me can get. I was always so safe, I only lost my virginity at 22, had only slept with 5 people at the time when I was 24, and my ex was the first one I’d ever had sex with without condoms.
Then it dawned on me, the thing on my ex’s face. I described it to the doctor and she confirmed that that was probably oral herpes he gave to me. Without so much as a chat she sent me on my way and said results will be back in a couple of days and someone would call me to chat about them when they come in. I left confused, and hurt by my ex lying to me (as a doctor definitely wouldn’t have told him it wasn’t contagious if it was herpes). And even more uneasy by how easily the doctor shooed me away when I was clearly shocked and upset (that’s U.K. NHS for you).
The results came back positive for HSV1. Aside from the sense of betrayal (which continued in other aspects of our relationship for a long while afterwards) I became very depressed and anxious (also fed by other aspects of the abusive relationship). I felt dirty. I felt like no one would ever want me again sexually aside from my ‘gifter’. And that’s one of the reasons I stayed with that disgusting man for so long. I was scared to be alone. I was terrified to give it to someone else.
Whilst the initial breakout itself was horrible, since then my breakouts have become few and far between and much much less severe. Sometimes I don’t even have a blister and I just sense a tingling, immediately take my antivirals and within a couple of days I’m back to feeling normal.
Since that relationship, I’ve found my soul mate. At the very beginning I disclosed to him before we did anything sexual, and he was so understanding and frankly didn’t care. His mentality was he wants to be with me, and he’s willing to risk getting it if it means we can be intimate. Now it’s not something we even really discuss unless I do get an outbreak, then we abstain for a week after my symptoms go down. And then are back to having unprotected sex (I’m on the pill). And we’re both okay with that educated risk.
I realise now that getting herpes wasn’t the worst thing to ever happen to me. Even though at the beginning it felt like it was. Yes sometimes when I get an outbreak it reminds me how I still have a remnant of my ex with me, and it will (and he will somehow) be with me forever. But I don’t feel dirty or not worthy of love anymore. I think of it more as a skin condition that just needs a few pills to clear up. And as long as I use loads of lube (dryness/not enough lube during sex is my trigger I’ve realised) I don’t get outbreaks. I think the last one I had was almost a year ago, and that was brought on by my own silliness of having sex with a tiny thrush outbreak, leading to irritation and an outbreak.
As long as I manage it and manage my triggers, I don’t even remember I have herpes most of the time. Very rarely now (2.5 years after being diagnosed) do I even think of it. Whilst I wish I had known more and been educated more on what cold sores are and how contagious they are, I can’t change that now. All I try to do now is have the conversation wherever it comes up that herpes is common, most people have it - either on their genitals or elsewhere on their bodies. Whilst you do need to be careful and education needs to improve on the subject (especially in sex ed!) it’s not the worst thing in the world. There’s so much more to life than worrying about a few blisters from a skin condition that can flare up sometimes.
Thank you so much Ellie for everything you do. One of your support groups I joined helped me when I was first diagnosed, and all the other things you do are such a breath of fresh air to see on my feed. Keep doing what you’re doing gal.
Love,
Tessa x
Fast forward a few months being with him and many times him going down on me with his ‘non contagious’ outbreaks, when bam. Suddenly I started to get these bumps all over my vulva. I thought they were ingrown hairs from shaving weirdly and so squeezed some of them (everyone that knows about herpes knows this is the worst thing to do). After days of it getting worse and worse I finally saw a doctor.
My doctor took one look at me and immediately told me it was herpes before she even took the swab. I was bereft, I had no idea where it could have come from or what it even meant. Herpes back then to me was just a word for a disease or infection I’d only ever heard of in stereotypical jokes. Not something someone like me can get. I was always so safe, I only lost my virginity at 22, had only slept with 5 people at the time when I was 24, and my ex was the first one I’d ever had sex with without condoms.
Then it dawned on me, the thing on my ex’s face. I described it to the doctor and she confirmed that that was probably oral herpes he gave to me. Without so much as a chat she sent me on my way and said results will be back in a couple of days and someone would call me to chat about them when they come in. I left confused, and hurt by my ex lying to me (as a doctor definitely wouldn’t have told him it wasn’t contagious if it was herpes). And even more uneasy by how easily the doctor shooed me away when I was clearly shocked and upset (that’s U.K. NHS for you).
The results came back positive for HSV1. Aside from the sense of betrayal (which continued in other aspects of our relationship for a long while afterwards) I became very depressed and anxious (also fed by other aspects of the abusive relationship). I felt dirty. I felt like no one would ever want me again sexually aside from my ‘gifter’. And that’s one of the reasons I stayed with that disgusting man for so long. I was scared to be alone. I was terrified to give it to someone else.
Whilst the initial breakout itself was horrible, since then my breakouts have become few and far between and much much less severe. Sometimes I don’t even have a blister and I just sense a tingling, immediately take my antivirals and within a couple of days I’m back to feeling normal.
Since that relationship, I’ve found my soul mate. At the very beginning I disclosed to him before we did anything sexual, and he was so understanding and frankly didn’t care. His mentality was he wants to be with me, and he’s willing to risk getting it if it means we can be intimate. Now it’s not something we even really discuss unless I do get an outbreak, then we abstain for a week after my symptoms go down. And then are back to having unprotected sex (I’m on the pill). And we’re both okay with that educated risk.
I realise now that getting herpes wasn’t the worst thing to ever happen to me. Even though at the beginning it felt like it was. Yes sometimes when I get an outbreak it reminds me how I still have a remnant of my ex with me, and it will (and he will somehow) be with me forever. But I don’t feel dirty or not worthy of love anymore. I think of it more as a skin condition that just needs a few pills to clear up. And as long as I use loads of lube (dryness/not enough lube during sex is my trigger I’ve realised) I don’t get outbreaks. I think the last one I had was almost a year ago, and that was brought on by my own silliness of having sex with a tiny thrush outbreak, leading to irritation and an outbreak.
As long as I manage it and manage my triggers, I don’t even remember I have herpes most of the time. Very rarely now (2.5 years after being diagnosed) do I even think of it. Whilst I wish I had known more and been educated more on what cold sores are and how contagious they are, I can’t change that now. All I try to do now is have the conversation wherever it comes up that herpes is common, most people have it - either on their genitals or elsewhere on their bodies. Whilst you do need to be careful and education needs to improve on the subject (especially in sex ed!) it’s not the worst thing in the world. There’s so much more to life than worrying about a few blisters from a skin condition that can flare up sometimes.
Thank you so much Ellie for everything you do. One of your support groups I joined helped me when I was first diagnosed, and all the other things you do are such a breath of fresh air to see on my feed. Keep doing what you’re doing gal.
Love,
Tessa x
