All names have been changed, to respect their privacy.

I've had oral herpes for as long as I can remember. I was never that phased and no one cared when I had an outbreak. I wasn't teased at school, nobody I dated ever had an issue with it, until I dated someone in my 20's and I had a cold sore. His reaction was literally "ew" and that relationship didn't last. Two weeks after that relationship had ended, I had my first outbreak on my labia. I remember telling him and begging him to please not think I was gross. I think his reaction to the cold sore didn't help when I found out and made it a lot harder to deal with the whole thing.

I knew what it was immediately but went to the sexual health clinic to get a swab, which was incredibly painful but super quick. It came back positive for HSV2 and in that appointment, I learnt that although I regularly had STI checks I was never tested for HSV because they don't do that unless you request it. They told me they don't do it because most of the population has it, that it's not that big of a deal, and that using condoms does not "protect" you from transmission. I could have got this from anyone, given that it can take years before you have your first outbreak, and that's if you ever do have one. The possibility of someone knowing they had it and not disclosing it, made me angry. I learnt to let that go though, because of the mental stress and anxiety it was causing me about disclosing to potential partners. I quickly understood why someone wouldn't disclose. I became pretty depressed, stopped taking care of myself and avoided dating or speaking to anyone romantically.

For the first time in my life I felt dirty about having herpes. I find it silly now, because I've had herpes my whole life, but the stigma and jokes in movies made me feel ashamed of my sex life. It's made for some very educational conversations with people when they find out and I explain that if they have ever had a cold sore, they are carrying the herpes virus and they could transmit it to their partner's genitals. Sexual education at school really failed us. As someone who had oral herpes my whole life, I was always careful if I did have an outbreak on my lips, but I never knew I could pass it on without even having an active outbreak or while using condoms.

I can now have outbreaks on my thighs, knees, hips, and a few on my arms. I've started taking antivirals regularly because I tend to have outbreaks whenever I get my period or if I'm run down. For me I get extremely sensitive skin and nerve pain which can be uncomfortable due to my chronic pain condition and a back injury which already causes nerve pain. When I’m having an outbreak, sitting down on the toilet can be very painful. Clothes are also painful, not from the blisters, but because my skin and nerves are so sensitive, the slightest touch is painful.

I've struggled for a long time and haven't had sex or been intimate with anyone in about five years, because I haven't had the best reactions when I have disclosed. I really felt like my life was over and that I was missing out on some great sex because I was in my 20's. I'm 30 now and I think in a way this has been a blessing, because although I love sex and being intimate, it's made me realise I'm worth more than the shitty sex I was having and the people I was having it with. I've learnt more about my body and have had the best orgasms by myself - better than with anyone I ever slept with! When I do find the right person, I'm excited to be able to tell them what I want and need when it comes to sex and intimacy, but I've also got the best sex life with myself, so I’m not rushing into anything!

It's still hard some days, especially since I've been trying to date again, but it's not as bad as it's made out to be. If someone doesn't want to be intimate with me because of this one thing before even getting to know me as a person, I just remember that they’re not the right person for me. There are so many ways you can be intimate without even touching each other so they’re missing out.

Thank you so much for what you're doing, I felt extremely alone when I got that call and for years afterwards. We need more education and we need safe spaces to share our stories. We need people like you.