Somatic Therapist and Holistic Counsellor Jem Williams discusses the power of vulnerability and going beyond the buzzword.
Vulnerability is an erotic superpower. It can help you have a better sex life, deeper and more intimate loving relationships, and an all-around sweeter existence.
It's the exchange between you and yourself - or you and someone else - where you express your truth. It's allowing your honesty to be revealed and trusting that you'll be seen, held, and validated in your experience.
Vulnerability takes courage. It takes time to open up to it, and self-trust to know that you'll be okay, regardless of how your vulnerability is received.
We hide from vulnerability because it exposes us. We fear rejection, judgment, abandonment, or the shame that comes from expressing ourselves fully.
But what's on the other side of vulnerability?
Power. Access to connection. The possibility of being fully seen, loved, and accepted as the full-spectrum human that you are.
In my twenties, I was ashamed of myself and my desires. I didn't know how to ask for what I wanted. I was afraid of being judged, rejected, and feeling shame.
By not asking for what I wanted, I was also denying my partners what they wanted (all of me) - and we both missed out on connection, depth, and true intimacy. I wanted to explore my sexuality but was terrified of the vulnerable act of being fully seen, surrendering, and opening to a different intimate experience.
I was scared that if I spoke up, I'd be seen in a different light. I felt afraid of the shame that might come with that. I was so afraid to allow myself to be fully seen.
But here's the reality: By denying my truth and desires, I was self-abandoning. I wasn't doing anyone any favours, in or out of the bedroom.
They say in the kink world, "Don't yuck someone else's yum" - but what if you're yucking your own yum... before you've even allowed yourself to explore it?
What if you're letting your fear of vulnerability cut you off from tasting the sweetness of your juicy life?
I don't know about you, but I have a massive list of experiences (sexual and otherwise) that I want to have before I die.
I want to be lying there on my deathbed, completely and utterly satiated by life. Satisfied that I asked for what I wanted and got it. I want to be 99 years old and know that I tasted every single delicious type of pleasure I ever wanted - and maybe a little bit more, just for dessert.
And I know, just by looking into the future at this beautifully satisfied, well-fucked, well-lived woman, that she had the courage to be vulnerable.
I know that she spoke with a sparkle in her eye, truth in her throat, and hope in her heart. That she trusted that no matter what - she would be okay. She trusted that her vulnerability would lead her to a vibrant life.
Vulnerability is an integral part of intimacy. Intimacy (into-me-I-see) is the main ingredient for creating flourishing and healthy relationships.
Vulnerability is about allowing yourself to be fully seen. Intimacy is the same. Opening yourself up, exposing yourself, showing the underside of your soft belly... allowing yourself to be deeply loved, taken, accepted- exactly as you are.
When we don't feel safe to express our truth with vulnerability, we hide behind who we think we should be—the person we believe others want us to be.
Ultimately, without vulnerability, we're liars. We lie to ourselves, we lie to those we love. It may be a subtle lie of omission, a little white lie- but I've realised that to not speak your truth is to lie.
When we lie, we suppress and deny parts of ourselves. We miss out on the spice of life.
In that suppression, we make ourselves weaker. We're building a false sense of ourselves that can only be upheld for so long, and living in pretence is draining.
Stop pretending:
When we pretend, we miss out. When we fail to ask for what we want, we miss out. When we decide that our needs don't matter, we miss out.
Vulnerability is part of self-acceptance. It's linked to your truth. A vulnerable person isn't afraid to be fully seen in their authenticity. A vulnerable person accepts themselves and is able to openly express themselves, knowing that they'll be safe, regardless of the outcome.
Safe vulnerability comes from tapping into your own inner well of self-love and self-acceptance.
You need to expand your capacity by practicing speaking your truth outside the bedroom first... so that your nervous system feels safe to explore this inside the bedroom.
Start small. Speak up when you used to stay quiet. Start to say yes when you really want to. Release the thought that you are a burden. Think about all the ways your comfort zone is keeping you stagnant, and begin to move toward the edges slowly, gently.
This is the most empowering foundational practice. Being able to be truthful with yourself and not hide or run away from certain parts of your being. This comes through cultivating self-compassion and a stretchy window of tolerance for emotional experiences.
Cultivate a self-inquiry practice that is accepting and loving of ALL parts of you.
Understand that your ability to be vulnerable is deeply connected to your power. You are powerful and sexy when you're practicing within the realms of your honesty and truth.
There is nothing hotter than someone who knows what they want AND asks for it.
Understand that your thoughts are not you - they come from a space of ego wanting to remain within the comfort zone. Keeping you right where you are is a form of protection. This is where ego delivers thoughts that are mainly fear-based as a safety mechanism.
Know that imagined scenarios are often worse than the actual experienced reality.
Mirror work is a wonderful space to practice vulnerability. Spending time with your own soul, your own body, and your own energy in the mirror transcends layers of deeply rooted conditioning and allows you to connect more deeply with your sensual eros. It helps you see yourself in new, brighter ways.
If you speak your truth with vulnerability and courage to someone you love, and you're not met with curiosity or a desire to fulfil or even understand your requests- what are you doing there, babe?
You deserve to be met with enthusiasm and openness! It may be time to reassess where you're investing your attention and energy.
Your vulnerability should be met with openness, safety, and validation. Often when you share your truth with the right people, you'll be met with vulnerability of their own. Your vulnerability is a permission slip for others to share theirs too.
Get yourself to a foundations of tantra workshop or see a somatic therapist. Learn how to sit with emotions, meet the sharp edges life with enthusiasm, and move through emotions. Tantra was the most incredible space for me to explore and be met in my truth. It helped me get into a healthy relationship with discomfort.
Get deeply connected to understanding your body's inner YES and NO response. Practice by noticing what happens inside your body when you say yes and mean it -it might feel like an opening, a softening, an expansion.
Notice what happens when your body says NO- often it's a contraction, a tightening, a shrinking. Somatic practices and meditations will help you connect to this. It's a constant practice, my love.
Get to know what you actually desire. You might want to explore through ethical porn sites, erotic audio, erotic fiction and blogs. OMG YES is a great app to help you explore kink and bedroom antics.
Learn how to notice what you like—what makes you WET! What makes your heart race with excitement. Tune into your body and notice what turns you on. Imagine sharing this fantasy with your partner. Maybe you could watch, read, or listen together and see what unfolds.
Open up the conversation with your partner BEFORE the bedroom. Have a cheeky flirt with them via text or while you're getting ready for dinner. See if they pick up on your subtle hints. If they don't- try being bold and direct instead.
If you're cheeky, you can get away with a lot!
Ask for it while you're in the moment:
"I would love it if you..." "What would feel really good right now is..." "I want to hear you tell me..." "I think it could be really hot if we..." "Would it be okay if I..."
Assertiveness is HOT. Use body language to initiate your desires. You don't need to be subtle all the time.
Your ability to be vulnerable is not about being small or weak. Vulnerability is one of the most courageous things you can do. It's about stepping into your true self. It's about connecting to your power, accessing your magnetism and your desires.
You need to build up self-trust before you build your ability for vulnerability. Self-trust is a muscle you continue to flex- it gets stronger the more you keep promises to yourself, respect your boundaries, and speak your truth. Your self-trust muscle grows over time. It's a deep sense of knowing that you'll be okay, regardless of the outcome.
Release your expectations, let go of inhibitions, and lean into vulnerability with the ones you love.
Your honesty and dedication to your truth will lead you to incredible spaces. In time, it means you'll be met by the people who are meant for you and will hold your desires with curiosity.
Vulnerability is a courageous act. It will lead you to belonging- with yourself and with those around you, and hopefully you get some spicy bedroom antics thrown in!
By Somatic Therapist and Holistic Counsellor Jem Williams
Work with her here
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