In this guest blog, Pleasure Activist Penny van der Sluys, one of Comfortable In My Skin’s Recommended Providers, discusses the misconceptions around midlife and desire.

Recently, I turned 49. I’m right in the middle of midlife, and just before Christmas, I met the official criteria for menopause. In case you’re wondering, that means 12 consecutive months without a period—yes, it’s confusing.

For most of my life, like many in the Western world, I believed that what happens to our bodies and sex lives after 40 was bleak. We’ve been told menopause marks the beginning of the end—our libido vanishes, our bodies betray us, and our desirability dries up along with our hormones.

I’m here to tell you that none of this is true. I feel more radiant, vibrant, alive, and energized than ever.

Instead of decline, midlife is actually the dawn of your second spring—a new kind of sexual awakening.

There are some big myths about midlife, menopause, aging, and desire. It’s time to bust them and bring you the truth—your pleasure isn’t over. It’s just getting started.

Myth #1: “Menopause Means Your Desire Dries Up”

Reality: Your libido isn’t disappearing—it’s evolving.

One of the most damaging beliefs about menopause is that it signals the end of your sexuality.

The truth? Many people experience a sexual reawakening in midlife, especially when they shed societal pressure to perform, please others, and put everyone else’s needs ahead of their own.

Desire doesn’t vanish—it changes.

In our 20s and 30s, desire may have been more spontaneous. In midlife, it often becomes more intentional, embodied, and self-driven. When we stop defining libido by outdated male-centric models and start listening to what actually turns us on, we unlock a whole new level of pleasure.

How to shift your perspective

• Think of your sexuality as something to be explored, not fixed. Get curious about what turns you on now—it might be different, and that’s exciting.
• Understand that stress, exhaustion, and mental load impact libido far more than menopause does. These factors are also major contributors to menopausal symptoms. The more we create space for pleasure, the more desire naturally flows.
• Replace the idea of “chasing” desire with cultivating it. Instead of looking to external sources to satisfy you, take responsibility for your own pleasure through touch, movement, sensual rituals, and self-pleasure.

Myth #2: “Your Body Will Shut Off Sexually”

Reality: Your body still has all the parts and wiring to feel pleasure—it may just need to rediscover or create new pathways.

Yes, your body will change. Yes, your hormones shift. Yes, vaginal dryness can happen.

But here’s what no one tells you: your body is still completely capable of deep pleasure and orgasm. The way you access it might change, but that’s not a bad thing—it’s an invitation to explore in new ways.

How to work with your body, not against it

• Lube is your best friend. Everyone needs lube. A good silicone- or water-based lubricant makes everything feel smoother and more luxurious. If this is new for you, start with a natural oil like coconut or almond oil and see what your body responds to.
• Full-body pleasure is the new frontier. Sex isn’t just about penetration. Your breasts, inner thighs, neck, hands—your entire body—can be a source of pleasure. Expanding your definition of touch makes sex feel richer and more profound.
• Slow things down. Sex isn’t a race to the finish line. Give your body time to respond, and it will.

Myth #3: “Aging is Unattractive”

Reality: Your attractiveness isn’t about age—it’s about embodiment.

We’ve been conditioned to believe that desirability has an expiration date. But real magnetism doesn’t come from being young—it comes from being comfortable in your own skin.

The most powerful, radiant people aren’t the ones clinging to youth. They’re the ones who have claimed their body and sensuality on their own terms.

How to reclaim your confidence

• Cut out comparison-itis. Unfollow anything that makes you feel inadequate or unattractive. Reality TV, airbrushed Instagram models—if it’s not serving you, it’s time to let it go.
• Shift focus from how you look to how you feel. Move in ways that make you feel alive, dress for yourself, and engage in activities that connect you to your body.
• Stop chasing external validation. Your sexiness isn’t about someone else finding you attractive—it’s about you feeling deeply in touch with your own pleasure and power.

It’s Time to Rewrite the Narrative: Midlife Is a Sexual Reclamation

The biggest lie we’ve been told is that pleasure has an age limit. That our bodies are ticking clocks. That we become irrelevant.

In reality, midlife is an invitation to step into a deeper, wilder chapter of your sexuality.

Whether or not you’re in midlife, now is the time to rewrite the script—for all of us—on pleasure, intimacy, and our relationship with our own bodies.

If you’re ready to explore sensuality beyond the old rules, join me in 52 Shades of Fifty. Midlife isn’t something to “get through”—it’s a portal to pleasure, power, and possibility.

Penny van der Sluys is a Pleasure activist and Sex & Sensuality coach helping women 35+ to prioritise pleasure, play and passion, reclaim their feminine superpowers, and feel confident, energised, and in love with their body and life. She creates unique, playful spaces, programs, events and 1:1 opportunities to encourage, explore and experience the wonder of living an unapologetically pleasure-filled life. Book with her here.