Many people seek sex therapy for issues of sexual desire; that is, how much they want sex. When people come to me concerned with how little they want sex, or how hard it is for them to prioritise, I always ask them to describe sex to me. The answers often include things like ‘it’s boring, we’re in a rut’ and ‘it’s like a race to orgasm. We can get each other off, but it’s not very exciting.’ I also hear it described as awkward, done out of obligation, or even painful.
And every time, my response is the same. I tell people that I adore sex, very much, but that if that were the sex available to me, I wouldn’t feel like it either! We can only prioritise sex, and want it, if the sex available to us is worth wanting—and what makes sex worth wanting?
Pleasure.
The Importance of a Pleasure Context
If desire is about wanting sex, then pleasure is about liking the sex we’re having. Research overwhelmingly shows that pleasure—not frequency, novelty, or even orgasms—is the strongest indicator of sexual satisfaction. And here’s the key: pleasure isn’t just about technique; it’s about context.
Emily Nagoski, in Come Together, describes it perfectly: Pleasure isn’t about the right place on your body being touched in the right way. It’s the right place, the right way, by the right person, at the right time, in the right external circumstances, and the right internal state. In short: it’s sensation in the right context.
To illustrate this, Nagoski uses the example of tickling. Imagine you and your partner are already turned on, feeling playful and trusting, and they tickle you. It might feel exciting, even erotic! But if they try to tickle you in the middle of a heated argument about how to load the dishwasher? Not so sexy. Context shapes everything.
Crafting Your Pleasure Context
If you want to prioritise your sex life, and feel excited about sex again, the key is to create a context where pleasure is easier to access. This means paying attention to four domains: individual, relational, lifestyle, and environmental factors.
1. Individual Factors
This refers to how you feel about yourself—physically and emotionally. Your body image, mental and physical health, and comfort in your own skin all influence your ability to experience pleasure. Examples might include being freshly showered, the presence of period pain, your feelings about your body, and whether you’ve done something fun that day.
2. Relational Factors
How you feel about your sexual partner(s) impacts how much pleasure you experience. Attraction, trust, emotional connection, and safety all contribute to creating a fulfilling sexual experience. Examples can include whether you are feeling emotionally connected, the presence of unresolved conflicts, and the level of emotional safety in the relationship.
3. Lifestyle Factors
The things happening in your life—stress, grief, ageing, even substance use—can either support or interfere with your ability to enjoy sex. Examples of these factors include the presence of work stress, navigating life transitions, money worries or a recent loss.
4. Environmental Factors
Your physical surroundings can either enhance or hinder pleasure. Think about privacy, comfort, time and ambiance. Examples can include creating a cozy, inviting space, whether you are worried about other people in the home, sexy lighting and music, and feeling physically comfortable.
Take the time to make your own list of what kinds of things make it easier for you to access your pleasure across each of these four domains. This includes considering what might actually get in the way of your pleasure, and what you need to put in place to mitigate the impact of these factors. You could also do this exercise with a partner, and then work together to co-create a context in which pleasure is going to be most accessible for both of you.
Making Pleasure a Priority
Rather than focusing solely on increasing sexual desire, shift your attention toward creating a pleasure context. When your body and mind feel good, when your relationships are strong, when life stressors are managed, and when your environment is inviting, pleasure can be more easily accessed and prioritised.
So, instead of asking, "How can I want sex more?" ask, "How can I create a context where pleasure thrives?" That’s the real key to prioritising your sex life—and making it one worth wanting.
Laura Lee is one of Comfortable In My Skin's Recommended Providers with over 15 years of clinical practice and coaching experience. Laura is passionate about helping people to release their shame so that they may enjoy, explore and embrace their sexuality and she does this via therapy, coaching, education and speaking. You can work with Laura directly by booking here.
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