Trigger Warning: Imagery of miscarriage in this post.

In this blog, a Comfortable In My Skin sister shares her experience of losing her baby at 12 weeks and having a subchorionic haemorrhage. 

I have always been such a positive and strong-minded person, but this is something I really struggled to get through - my first pregnancy. I experienced morning and evening sickness for the first month, which wasn't the blissful, happy early pregnancy days I had imagined. I live a healthy, balanced life and eat a plant-based diet, but I was struggling to keep anything down. 

At around 8 weeks, I had my first bleed. It happened around 8pm and I had a small gush of blood when I went to the bathroom. My heart ached at the thought that I was potentially about to go through a miscarriage. I continued to bleed lightly, similar to a light period for a few more days. At the time, my partner was away for work, so my mother took me to the emergency at the local hospital, where I waited until 1 am to be seen by a doctor. 

While I was waiting to be examined, my body was shaking, and I was so afraid that when the doctor arrived, I was unable to relax to let him begin investigating what was going on with my baby. I didn't want to hear that my cervix was opening and that I was, in fact, experiencing a miscarriage. 

My cervix was closed and everything looked alright. A couple of days later, I had an ultrasound where, for the first time, I saw my beautiful little baby rolling around. The doctor assured me that everything looked great on the scan and that there were no signs of any abnormality. I didn't have any more bleeding that week, and I was full of hope. 

A week later, a weird feeling came over me, like nothing I'd ever felt. I rushed to the bathroom and found that I'd passed a blood clot the size of my palm. I reached my hand into the toilet, thinking it was the baby, thinking I had miscarried and that it was all over. 

I went back to the hospital, carrying with me the blood clot not knowing if it was the undeveloped foetus in my hand or not. A kind nurse explained to me that it was, in fact, a blood clot and that some women do lose blood clots during their pregnancy but can continue to go on with healthy full-term pregnancies. 

I left the hospital, and again, I was full of hope. I personally believe the fewer scans, the better, so I didn't book in for another. I just tried to remain positive and calm and continued to take care of myself. 

When I reached 11 weeks, I started passing blood clots more regularly. I sat on the floor of the shower in my family home, both my mother and my grandmother at my side while I was surrounded by blood and countless clots. We all cried and we all tried to stay positive. 

At this stage, I was so overwhelmed, emotionally and physically exhausted. I decided to go and have another scan to put my mind at ease. The scan showed a healthy, growing baby. I kept repeating: What? How? I could not believe my eyes! And the tears of joy began to flow. This baby was holding on and was continuing to grow. 

During this particular ultrasound, they detected that I had a subchorionic haemorrhage, which is, by medical definition, the accumulation of blood between the uterine lining and the chorion (the outer fetal membrane, next to the uterus) or under the placenta itself. 

During this ultrasound, my partner and I also heard the clear heartbeat through the Doppler. The doctor said she has seen women continue on to have full-term pregnancies but that my haemorrhage was on the larger side and could cause a spontaneous miscarriage. 

I'd always dreamt of having a healthy, conscious pregnancy and this just didn't feel right for me. Just before I'd reached the 12-week mark, I woke in the middle of the night with the sharpest pains in my lower back and again thought this is it; this is all over. The morning came I'd had no bleeding and again I was full of hope. 

The night it happened was painless. I was woken during the night by a strange feeling. I felt a gush coming on, so I walked myself to the shower - I gave birth to the 12-week-old foetus. I had no idea what I was expecting to see. I didn't know if it would be in little clots of blood or something similar? When the foetus passed it was a tiny human, just longer than the palm of my hand with eyes, ears, mouth, nose, arms, finger and toes. I held onto this precious little foetus, my baby. 

After this, I was rushed to hospital for a moment. I truly thought that I was going to die. I was convulsing, vomiting and losing clots of blood all at the same time. I'd never felt so weak and fragile. I was rushing into surgery, where I had a D&C (Dilation and Curettage). My blood levels dropped so low that the hospital staff had no choice but to give me a blood transfusion during the surgery. 

Post surgery, there were no beds available on the ward, so I was forced to spend the night in you wouldn't believe it - the maternity ward. The nurse wheeled the cot out from beside my hospital bed. I said goodbye to my partner, who wasn't allowed to stay overnight, and I tried to fall asleep. The next day I woke up and buried my precious little foetus in the earth.  

I know people say, "What's meant to be, is meant to be", but that doesn't make it any easier and far out; some days are harder than others.  I found it hard to find stories of other women who had also experienced subchorionic haemorrhage.I can  only hope that by sharing my story, I'll be able to help another woman on her healing journey as all of the women who've opened up and shared their stories before me have helped on my journey.

To my amazing, supportive partner, my family and friends, the people who donate blood and the beautiful women who have shared their not-so-happy stories online, I say thank you. You got me through this.